I don’t believe in God. There. I said it. I may bother some with this statement, but I’m not sure if I care. I am bothered by the wild attraction to religion, but this post is not about such issues. This is about my willingness to reconcile what I’ve felt for some time but could not say. I am not sure if I have reached an easy way to express the mixed ideas in a succinct manner so if I wander please stick around, I may get back to the beginning.
Religion is a subject which has always fascinated me by its power to help, heal, divide and decimate. Or should I say belief in a religion is what can cause all of these things from as far back to Egyptian days and Akhenaten’s attempt to switch from polytheistic worship for monotheism under the God Aten through the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades, Henry VIII’s split from Rome, witch burnings (which last to this day in Africa), up on to prayer in classrooms, anti-marriage rights and the conflict between creationism and evolution. It would seem religion has the power to divide more than unite.
But I must admit I do like the customs and traditions which go along with religions and find religion is more telling about a culture than any handbook could ever reveal.
I believe my first step towards non-belief began by leaving the Catholic faith although that had more to do with the church than with my belief. I did not understand why heaven would turn its back on a good person simply because of their sexual orientation. I could not comprehend a murderer could get in by saying “I’m sorry” and a few Hail Mary’s. If standing next to the murderer is a gay man who lived his life devoted to charities, helping the unfortunate, eschewing all material items, but in a long term monogamous relationship to another man St. Peter would turn that man away while stepping aside for the killer. How am I supposed to support and believe in a church and a supposedly unconditionally loving God while he has conditions on that love? I could not so after confirmation I turned away and never looked back.
I am not completely without religion though. Like many I have found comfort in Buddhism, but not faith. A Buddhist does not worship Buddha for Buddha is a title not a God. Anyone can become a Buddha if he or she studies long enough and reaches beyond this world and breaks the cycle of life and death. Which brings me to a strange point in my thoughts: how can I believe in reincarnation or ethereal powers if I don’t believe in a god? Simply the idea of reincarnation helps alleviate my fear of death. I cannot imagine missing out on life so by believing I’ll come back or at least maintain some sort of conscious thought after death eases my anxiety. Do I truly ‘believe’ it? No. Death is death and it scares the crap out of me. However I do believe there are things out there which cannot be explained or seen by our normal senses. They could be just energy patterns, but whatever it is I certainly don’t believe in a bearded old man sitting on high or any other powerful being taking such an active interest in our lives. I don’t believe we are chess pieces which can be controlled by any action but our own. I have no reason to be compassionate other than it is the right thing to do. Any ill I cause is not the Devil’s fault, it is my own. I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in myself. If I’m wrong well then I’ll be the first to admit it. But if I’m right I just won’t know it, now will I?
